Tifa's Lament
by Zelda Regina
Summary: Tifa is pondering the love triangle between her, Cloud, and Aeris, feeling guilty for her jealousy and wondering who would really be the best match for Cloud.
1. Tifa's Lament Part 1

What was I thinking?  
  
I knew it. I've known it since childhood, yet I clung to my hopes all the same. Like it would do any good. The truth has finally sunk in: Cloud will never love me.  
  
He has Aeris - practically perfect in every way. She's so beautiful and kind. Well, everyone always tells me that I'm pretty, too, but it's not enough. Cloud fell for her the first time he saw her; I could see it in his eyes.  
  
It's such a terrible feeling. Your crush is head over heels for someone else . . . and that someone else happens to be your friend.  
  
I know I shouldn't be jealous of Aeris. I should be happy for her, because after all, she is a good friend of mine. She ought to have Cloud - she's much more worthy of him. They're so perfect together. I'm just not his type.  
  
And yet . . . I am jealous of her. I just can't help it. I want Cloud to be mine. I was the one who pined after him for so long. She just appeared out of the blue! Is that really fair?  
  
As they say, "All's fair in the game of love." But I always question the system.  
  
I've loved Cloud for years. It was never blatantly obvious, but I think that somehow he knew. I was even foolish enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, he loved me, too. But I discovered that it isn't true. I lied to myself, and others lied to me. It scares me; what if my whole world is made up of lies? I think of myself as being a person worth getting to know, but how can I be sure that I actually am? I could just be deluding myself through everything to make myself feel like I have purpose. It could just be a hoax set upon myself to give me self-esteem.  
  
There's that feeling that nobody wants you, that you're not good enough for anybody to want anything to do with you. That's what I go through every time I see them together.  
  
Oftentimes I wonder to myself, What did I do wrong? What's the matter with me? There must be something, or maybe Cloud would be with me instead.  
  
I must be crazy to still be suffering like this - it's so stupid, after all this time.  
  
Maybe I don't have the chestnut hair he likes or those beautiful emerald eyes. Maybe I'm not exactly what he had in mind when the phrase "girl of his dreams" popped up. But I can be whatever Cloud wants me to be if I try. I can show him what it means to love.  
  
What am I saying? Of course I can't show him what love means. I couldn't do that back in Nibelheim, before he left. I could have gone against my father's wishes and professed my love to him some night under the stars, but I didn't have the drive to do it. Guess that shows how much I really loved him, huh?  
  
Aeris did what I could not. She made it clear to him that she loved him. And me? I just stood back and watched.  
  
Weakling.  
  
Too weak to claim what should have been mine.  
  
But this envy is irrational. How can I be so resentful of my friend? Why can't I just get over it? I'm being unreasonable. Aeris was able to tell Cloud she loved him; she got to him first. Just because I didn't win the race doesn't mean I should be such a bad sport.  
  
I lost my love to someone better than I, but I wonder: does she love him like I do? Does she feel nearly as much affection as I could have given him?  
  
Whenever I see them together, holding hands, hugging, I feel a pang of jealousy, though I know that I shouldn't. She's a wonderful person, and she deserves him so much more than I ever could. But I can't help feeling so alone, even when I am among my closest friends.  
  
Everyone tells me how much they admire me for my strength, for the fact that I don't need to depend on anybody to survive. But even strong people like me get lonely. 


	2. Tifa's Lament Part 2

Something terrible has happened.  
  
It troubles me so much, as does the others. Everyone is mourning, even me, though my envy was once so great. But my poor Cloud grieves most of all.  
  
Aeris is dead.  
  
She was stabbed by Sephiroth's blade. He sneaked up behind her and drove the sword into her . . . I hate that man so much for it. So cruel and malicious, with only one desire - to gain control over everything in existence. I hate him for all those things.  
  
But especially for what he did to Aeris.  
  
Funny thing, though - even as her life was fading away, she had such a peaceful look on her face, as if she could feel nothing at all. I don't know . . . being a Cetra, maybe she didn't.  
  
Now I feel worse about her situation with Cloud even more than when she was alive. I detested the fact that Cloud had his eyes fixed on her, but now I detest myself for ever making a place for that in my heart.  
  
Why should I be upset? Aeris is gone now. Now Cloud may finally see me in a different light, rather than ignore me like usual whenever Aeris was around.  
  
But that would make me a selfish brat. The truth is, I loved Aeris like a sister. She was a wonderful person to hang out with, and most of all, she made Cloud happy. At times she made me happy that Cloud was happy . . . at times.  
  
But most of the time, though I liked her a lot, I resented the fact that she took a spot beside Cloud, a spot that I felt should have been filled by me. She stole his heart from me, and I just couldn't bear the loss.  
  
I enjoyed Aeris's company, though. When I was around her, the fact that Cloud was in love with her haunted me, continually sticking in the back of my mind. I tried to suppress it, however, and found that when I did that, she really wasn't so bad.  
  
But now she is gone.  
  
Cloud refuses to be consoled. Now I can see just how much Aeris meant to him, and I ask myself, Is it fair to want him all to myself, when he loved her so much?  
  
A voice in my head keeps trying to rationalize my selfishness. I know I shouldn't, and I hate myself for it, but somehow I'm still envious. How can I? It wasn't her fault Cloud loved her more than me; she didn't even know I loved him.  
  
After all this confusion, I'm not sure I want to live anymore. I would gladly give up my life, if it would only bring Aeris back, and make Cloud happy again.  
  
I could have saved her. I could have shouted a warning, or jumped in front of the blade. Cloud would still have her to comfort him, if he needed to be comforted after I'm gone. If he didn't miss me, at least I wouldn't be around to bear the pain of a broken heart.  
  
But I did nothing to help Aeris. I know I could have, but I didn't.  
  
How despicable.  
  
There's only one way to make up for it: to get rid of Sephiroth once and for all. I'll never be able to forgive him for what he has done.  
  
I miss Aeris so much. She was my friend . . . and even though she won over me, I cannot bear the burden of jealously anymore.  
  
I will avenge her death. Sephiroth will pay for what he has done. 


End file.
